Lolius Slappius: A Documentary
by reaper with no name
Summary: A look into the life of the Black Reaper, from the POV of the host of a British Documentary


It was a dark and stormy night. Or it would have been, if there had been a storm, and if the purity of the night sky's darkness wasn't being polluted by the stars above and the streetlights below. So, really, it was a bright and clear night, as undramatic as that may sound.

Nevertheless, there was sure to be drama in the camera crew camped out in front of the Pizza Hut. Their leader, a blond British man in a suit that would have looked far more appropriate in the Serengeti, turned to the others with a finger to his lips.

"We're back. Now, for the next segment, we will be looking at the life of a very unique creature; the only one of his kind. He is known as Lolius Slappius, or the Black Reaper."

Slowly coming out from behind the car they were crouching behind, the man tiptoed to the door, oblivious to the staring passerbys.

"All right, it's safe," he mouthed as he motioned for the crew to come forward. "Now, if you take a look through this glass door, you can catch a glimpse of-"

"Hey, move it pal," said a gruff man in his thirties as he roughly pushed the host out of the way and entered.

"Oh, terribly sorry," the host apologized as he dusted himself off. "Now, as I was saying, if you look through this glass door, you can catch a glimpse of this wondrous specimen during his feeding ritual."

The cameraman stepped to the door and put the lens against the glass.

"Can you see him? He is perched on the chair at the end there, to the right of the man with the poor hygiene we met mere seconds ago."

Sure enough, sitting at one of the tables was a young man in his early twenties, scarfing down pizza after pizza.

"Now, as you can see, his appetite is voracious. This is due to the rigorous activity level of the Black Reaper, which we shall observe later. But for now, we must retreat to a safer place before he detects our presence. Lolius Slappius is known to have very sharp senses and even sharper natural weapons, so we must be very –"

SMACK!

The rapidly opening glass door contacted the host right in the face.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't see you down there, and-Wait, is that a camera? Is this one of those reality shows that you don't know you're on until they've tricked you?"

The host clutched his sore nose as blood dripped from it. "What? Of course not! What do you take me for, some bloody second-rate celebrity? My name is Arthur Canthinkupaname the seventh, and I am attempting to film an important documentary."

"The seventh?" the young woman asked.

"Yes. I come from a very long line of Canthinkupanames. Now would you kindly cease this obstruction?"

"Um…sure…" replied the confused woman, as she stepped past the threshold and away from the strange crew.

"You'll be sure to edit that out, won't you Jonathon?" Arthur asked as he wiped his nose with a handkerchief.

The cameraman nodded.

"Um…Sir?" said a Pizza Hut employee standing at the door. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You are disturbing our customers."

"Oh, surely you jest," Arthur laughed. "Why, I'm certain they haven't even noticed our…"

It was then that he noticed that the entirety of the restaurant's inhabitants (as well as the population of the street outside) was looking at him, including Lolius Slappius himself.

"…Presence. Ah. We shall be off then. Have a fine day, good sir."

* * *

"Are we rolling?"

Jonathon, the cameraman, gave Arthur a thumbs-up.

"Good. Now, we are here at a particular street-corner that the Black Reaper frequents. Today we are hoping to catch a glimpse of this amazing animal's mating rituals."

The camera swung around to take in the entirety of the corner, stopping on a pink-haired girl standing nearby, staring at the camera strangely.

"And what luck! It appears that there is a female already here, awaiting the chance to romance Lolius Slappius. Let's see what happens!"

A few minutes later, the man of the hour approached. He was wearing a black tanktop and blue jeans, and he walked with his hands in his pockets.

"Now, notice the way our specimen leaves his collarbones exposed? These serve as a very powerful form of animal magnetism that many females are unable to resist. Indeed, look at this one!"

The camera moved back towards the girl with pink hair, the ponytails of whom had curled into heart-shapes as she stared unflinchingly at the object of her affections. Drool began running down her chin.

As if psychic, Hei saw the girl, and quickly turned around. Her shoulders immediately slumped.

"Interestingly, unlike in most species, where the male seeks out and must win over the female, with Lolius Slappius it is the opposite. The male attracts the female, and she must then impress him. This one appears to have failed."

Apparently, Kiko heard this, for she gave the crew the evil eye almost immediately.

Arthur continued. "However, not all females will take no for an answer, and the male must find creative ways to-"

"LI-KUN!"

As if on cue, Hei came barreling back down the street in a heated panic, zooming past Kiko and the crew while covering them in a cloud of dust. Not long after, a hysterical woman in her thirties ran past as well. Unfortunately, Misaki could no longer keep up, and stopped soon after to catch her breath.

"Fortunately for Lolius Slappius, there are few females capable of matching its land speed. This skill proves to be advantageous for dodging stalkers as well as predators."

"STALKERS?!" came the screams of the two women.

Arthur gulped. "Jonathon, I believe a hasty retreat is in order."

* * *

"Guys, this place gives me the creeps," the sound guy observed.

"Hush. No one desires your opinion, Thomas," Arthur snapped. "Anyway, we are now at one of the Black Reaper's favorite night-time haunts."

The camera swung around, showing a waterfront shipping business. Shipping containers were everywhere.

"Now, one may wonder why a creature as majestic as Lolius Slappius would choose to be at a grungy place such as this. The reason is that the Black Reaper is being followed by his natural enemies, the contractors. This is the battlefield where he has chosen to face them."

Once again, by sheer coincidence (and definitely not a contrived situation set up by the writer), Hei appeared, this time swinging on a wire attached to a crane. On the ground below were three contractors, running as fast as they could to keep up. One of them took a few potshots with his pistol. Only one shot landed, and that one proved useless against Hei's bulletproof coat.

"Lolius Slappius is known to wear a special coat that makes it resilient to conventional forms of attack. This is why contractors are its natural enemy; other creatures pose no challenge for it."

The cameraman attempted to keep the lens on Hei as he weaved and dodged behind shipping containers, but this turned out to be a doomed effort.

"Now, I know you're having trouble getting this, Jonathon, but please try to anyway. Now, the Black Reaper has two methods of attack."

A sharp crackle came through the air as the armed contractor was electrocuted through the wire that had just been wrapped around his arm.

"Ah, and that was the first one. The Black Reaper has the unique ability to manipulate matter on a quantum level. The simplest use of this power is to cause disruptions that result in electricity. This is useful not only in battle, but also for avoiding having to pay power bills."

One of the other two contractors pointed his finger at Hei. A red beam of light issued forth from it, but by that point Hei was already several feet to the right and behind another shipping container, rendering it useless.

After several such shots, the beam contractor motioned to his ally to stay where she was and watch for the target. The young, teenage contractor nodded and produced a piece of paper from her pocket. Within seconds she had folded it into the shape of a sword.

Meanwhile, the beam contractor had begun climbing atop a shipping container via some pallets to get a better vantage point. This proved to be a fatal mistake, however, for he immediately dropped dead from an electrical discharge sent through the container from behind it.

"Astounding! Evolution has created such a clever creature!"

The final contractor stood with her back against a nearby wall, nervously scanning the area.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw the knife coming, and successfully deflected it with her paper blade.

"Most contractors cannot hope to match the speed and skill displayed by the Black Reaper. The few who can always turn out to be the unlucky few who have been blessed with powers far less spectacular than their more destructive neighbors. This one, for example, has to make do with the ability to form weapons out of paper, instead of, say, setting people on fire instantly with her mind."

Hei was on the young contractor before she could blink. She dodged the first thrust and attempted a horizontal swing, but the Black Reaper caught her blade in the groove of his knife.

"Lolius Slappius employs a unique form of martial arts that biologists refer to as 'Hei-fu'. It incorporates speed, agility, wires, knives, and hand-to-hand combat techniques."

Hei twisted, and the paper blade shattered like glass. The girl was barely able to register an expression of shock before a hand contacted her cheek, smacking her nearly hard enough to knock her off her feet.

"The most powerful of these techniques is known as the 'Pimp Slap of Death'. Most famous for its use against young women, it is this attack from which Lolius Slappius derives its name."

Now unarmed, the girl slowly backed up until she hit the wall. However, to her surprise Hei did not press the attack.

"Go back to your masters," he said from behind his mask. "Tell them that it's pointless to chase me, because every person they send is just going to end up like these men."

With that, the Black Reaper turned and vanished into the darkness.

"Through a mechanism which science has as of yet been unable to explain," Arthur continued. "The Pimp Slap of Death somehow manipulates the fate of the one it hits. Every person who has ever been slapped by the Black Reaper ends up dying in a sudden and unnatural manner. Methods of death as diverse as ice spear skewering, memory wiping, and reverse aging have all been observed. Curiously, however, the Black Reaper himself appears unaware of the effects of this technique."

The camera turned away from where Hei had departed to the doomed young girl.

"The amount of time a victim has before dying can vary considerably. Some have died within moments, while others can go for a week or more. Invariably, though, they all end up biting the proverbial bullet."

As the camera continued rolling, a cracking sound came from above the girl. She looked up just in time to see an air conditioning unit in the window of the building she was standing under dislodge itself and fall. Her eyes widened as it hurtled towards her and struck her squarely in the face.

She fell to the ground, never to stand again.

"Ah! And it appears we have been lucky enough to witness such a 'freak accident' occur first-hand!"

"WAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!"

The camera shifted upwards towards the window just as a man fell from it, landing right next to the dead contractor, headfirst.

"Hmmm…That must have stung. Are you all right, Thomas?"

Thomas did not respond.

"Thomas?"

Jonathon pointed at the blood and brain tissue decorating the concrete. "Umm…I think he's dead."

"Hmph. Oh well, I guess we can blame this on the Black Reaper's curse as well."

"Wait," Jonathon interjected. "Why was he up there in the first place? That's right where the-"

"It was the Pimp Slap of Death, Jonathon, and most certainly not the result of a certain host trying to speed up the curse of said Pimp Slap. Come now, Jonathon. We have a Lolius Slappius to catch up to!"

"Fine, fine," Jonathon grumbled, as he wondered whether or not the police would charge him as an accessory if he told them about this.

* * *

Despite Hei being far faster, and having quite the head start, the camera crew was somehow able to get to his hideout before him. This was certainly not due to an oversight by the writer, for when the Black Reaper did arrive later, he was carrying two grocery bags, neatly explaining his delays.

"And so, finally, we find ourselves at the Black Reaper's current place of abode."

The house was a one-floor slum that looked about ready to fall apart. Despite that, however, when the Black Reaper entered and turned on the lights, it became clear that there was power. But more importantly, it also became clear that he was not alone. There was a young European woman waiting for him.

"Oh, what's this? An intruder? Will she be another victim of the Pimp Slap of Death?" Arthur wondered aloud.

The question was quickly answered when Hei hugged the silver-haired girl.

"Apparently not."

Arthur considered this for a moment, and then the answer came to him. "Ah, of course! Now we know why Lolius Slappius refused the advances of the earlier suitors. He had already found one that was to his liking. This can tell us much about the sorts of traits Lolius Slappius desires in a potential mate. For example, she is obviously of Scandinavian descent, and appears to have a petite frame. She also-"

As Arthur continued, Yin whispered something to Hei and pointed outside.

"Umm…Arthur…?" Jonathon began.

"Be silent, Jonathon. Now, as I was saying, it appears that the two of them are about to begin a mating session, which we can observe and-"

The knife sailed past his face, striking the camera squarely in the lens. When Hei yanked the knife free by the wire attached to it, he took most of the glass with it. Arthur craned his neck to look at the camera, and then back at Hei, whose face held a very angry expression.

"GO. AWAY."

"Um, right. You heard him, Jonathon. Let us be off, now."

Once the crew was a safe distance away, Arthur turned back to the camera and continued.

"And that concludes our look into the life of a most mysterious and wondrous creature, the Black Reaper. Join us next week as we take a dive into the-"

Jonathon didn't have the heart to inform Arthur that all of the footage had been wiped by electrical currents.


End file.
